this is my fifth year in a secondary school. feelings and peoples attitude changes as time go by. i know this guy since sec 1 till now. it has been 5 years and my feeling for him never change. my last wish: I Hope He Allowed Me To Celebrate His Birthday With Him...

i hope if you(he) are the one reading, understands how i feel now......................................................................................................

written @ 12:00 AM

Happy Birthday sophia!!!

i got back my mid-year result. some was what i expected some was way beyoned my expectation. 1st paper i got back on monday was english. as english was the only language that must have to calculate the L1R4. and guess what only 4 people pass in the Whole Level(5Ns). they are from my class and N2 no one pass english. then the highest mark is like only 58.2 then the rest like fail but i think no one got 20 and below. guess what i got? 38.8/100. its a F9 you know. really sad... i thought i will fail like only 40 plus but never thought to get 30 plus.
the next paper was social studies(ss). i expected to pass well like 30plus/50. but i got 36/50. so its like okey. it was what i expected so i dont feel anything but i feel a little happy cos first time did so well(to me). then we have recess.i went to eat with friends then the next two paper was like science(phy.chem). then i heard before the exam over, only 2 people pass for chem. then is like to me no hope already. but n2 got their paper back first so we ask them then they say got more then 2 passes but is like less then 10 people pass. so i was like in the middle. i hope to pass but i think i will fail so i dont know. anyway, i got back physic first. the teacher never say how many people pass. but i feel that i will fail cos the formula thing if 1 wrong then all wrong. so i very worried. but less did i expected to pass and it is like 43/65. so i was quite happy with that grade. then its time for chem. before i got back my paper, th teacher talk for 1 period then is like faster leh... guess did i pass? sophia didnt pass, laipeng didnt pass. but i pass. it was really unexpected but i never mention cos i like want to make then feel like i very proud like that. i was like happy for monday then was thinking about tuesday. prepared to get back all the fails...
first paper i got back of the day was mt. quite surprised that i pass for chinese(overall) cos i every thing fail in class test and since primary school. after mt was maths. i also thought i will fail cos i got about 20 mks question never do so i thought i will fail but was okey la pass overall(maths p1+p2). then geography. i thought i will fail cos i waste time on a 8 mk question then on a 13 mk question. so very dangerous. can pass, can fail. in the end pass by 1 mark so overall for CH pass.then the last paper- POA. i knew i will fail cos i really like never really go and study and do properly and it is not enough time to complete all lor...
over all was okey la all the subject drop i understand because of the gap between 'N' and 'O'. but i manage to fail only 2 and pass the rest was quite sastisfiy for me...dont worry. this is only the mye. i will do better in prep, prelims and then 'O'.... all the best to me. work hard.

written @ 10:05 PM

1 month have got by and many things has happened. dont know where should i start... after winner the cheer, relationship between him really improved. he did like talk or answer me but just for a short while. many things happened between him and me.

Just before the mid-year exam, you have a ve project to do. went to friends house to do. then while we are doing, we suddenly talk about him. they ask me why i like this kind of guy. i ask myself but i cant find the answer. i started telling them what happened. since sec2, i ask him to be my godbroth but then when we are in sec3, he sms me and tell me to remain as friend. i thought i was in the wrong so i kept apologizing and i said i will change myself(attitude). i nearly broke into tears. they ask me "did you ask him why?" i said ya, but he refuse to say. so from then on, we started being cold shoulder towards each other. i like him but i have to pretent that i hate him. it was really difficult for me to do this. then they say OoOo" you are so bai(stupid)". then they said too they have this kind of experience. the guy dont be your godbroth is because of 2 reason. First is hate. Second is love. i think it was hate. but they say from their experience is the second one. then they say it was too late already. i suddenly felt regrateful. it was just so stupid of me to misunderstand what he is trying to say... they ask me to confess to him but i think this is not a girls job. i mean it is weird for a girl to go up a guy and say you like him. people might laugh at you. so i decided not to make a fool out of myself...

Then 1 day after pe lesson, i saw he was wearing a ring on the second finger. they say that he got someone already... that was another hit on me... but i have to accept it cos i have loss my chance. soon then after, i try asking around and some rumous said that he like a sec4E girl(our batch which have already gradurated). i kept asking his friend who is it. but in my heart, i think i know who is it. but still it is his decision and i have to respect it...

Yesterday was the last paper of my mid-year exam. just before sitting the paper, i heard a news that for our chemistry, only 2 students passed in the whole level. it was like wa.. sian... the we had science mcq followed by our poa paper mcq. the poa teacher like to get his students involved in the question. to my surprised, i was my name and it is together with shawifei. i knew it sucks... but this can not affact my consentration. after the paper, he came to me and tell me "Question 8 sucks" i knew so i just said "ya" and walk away. in my mind, i wanted to tell him that is not the question that sucks. it is you that sucks and i dont know that you still have the guades to come and tell me. i would like to tell you " the question is cool without YOU. i just hate you even more now....

today is marking day so we not in school today. but i will like thinking how is my result and what am i going to do about it... it is true that there is nothing to worry now cos what ever is done can not be undone.lets wait till moday we will be getting back our paper 1 by 1... Goodluck to me...

written @ 3:02 PM